To Live For
by TheRoseShadow21
Summary: Slightly drabbly fic about Nine's changing thoughts in the years after that fateful summer. Tsukihime AU one-shot, rated T to be safe


**More from my take on the everyone-is-alive AU, which I am now going to call the Tsukihime AU. I should probably point out that in this, they change their names so from about halfway through Nine, Twelve and Lisa will no longer be referred to as...well, Nine, Twelve and Lisa. I hope that doesn't end up too confusing, and I hope you enjoy this.**

"Change…our identities?"

Nine didn't blame Twelve for sounding astonished for he, too, was surprised. He'd lost count of the years they'd spent in this limbo (although he knew it was less than five), waiting for Shibazaki and the other detectives to solve all the legal issues surrounding them before deciding what to do with them.

"Yes." Shibazaki said, simply, having dropped the news on them almost as soon as he'd come through the door on his latest visit.

"Are you seriously telling us the government is allowing us to get new names and move elsewhere and start again?" Nine asked.

"Does this apply to Lisa too?" Twelve queried at the same time, looking at the girl curled up next to him on the sofa as he did so. _Of course_ he asked that. Nine couldn't help but smile inwardly at that as he stared at Shibazaki, waiting for the answer.

"It applies to all three of you, and yes, this is legitimate. It's long been established you were never run-of-the-mill terrorists. In any case, you've done your time. Now, you go back into the world."

"Can't imagine that Hamura was happy about that." Nine commented. Hamura was a good guy, and in the end he had come around to Shibazaki's way of thinking about the three of them. But he was still very strait-laced. His ideals were still black-and-white, other colours only just beginning to seep in.

"It was his idea to bring it forward."

All three of them stared at Shibazaki bug-eyed. He sighed.

"That doesn't matter. Anyway, it's been decided that you can choose your names, and also that Mishima-san and Nine will be recorded as being siblings with an 11-month age difference."

Nine looked at Lisa as she unconsciously leaned into Twelve. Her face registered confusion at Shibazaki's latest announcement, but she didn't say a thing. Not that _that_ came as a total surprise. She was more relaxed, slightly more adapted-the same way they had all gradually got there-but still, she could not find her voice.

"Because we have a vague physical resemblance." Nine stated. As much as it had annoyed him the first time it had been pointed out, he knew it was true. And now, he didn't care. Shibazaki nodded.

"But what if someone finds out we're not actually genetically related?"

"Adopted siblings." Shibazaki explained.

"Duh, Nine." Twelve teased. Nine briefly considered getting off his stool and going to swat Twelve playfully around the head, but couldn't be bothered. He instead considered Shibazaki's words.

"That seems reasonable to me. "

"Yeah, yeah, it's all good." Twelve agreed. "This is no life. But, but, just one more question!"

"Go on…" Shibazaki seemed wary, having picked up on Twelve's unusual burst of enthusiasm.

"If you can make birth certificates and whatever else our identities need, does that mean you can do marriage certificates as well?"

_Ah_. _Now that makes sense. _Over the years, Nine had gradually noticed the two of them get closer, and once they were actually an item, looking back over those years made it seem as if they were made for each other all along, and that it was just a matter of when they met. Nine had expected that to change things, to pull Twelve away from him. But although the dynamic between the three of them had changed somewhat, it hadn't made it more distant. They were still close. And Lisa still took good care of him when he was particularly ill. He wasn't jealous, either. But sometimes, he'd think of Five, and wondered about what could have been. So Twelve's current question made perfect sense.

"Explain, please." Shibazaki requested. Apparently, it didn't make as much sense to him.

"Have you seen the two of them recently?" Nine asked pointedly. Shibazaki looked at Twelve and Lisa, and then sighed.

"Ah. The answer to that is, of course."

"Yes! What do you think, Lisa?" The girl looked at Twelve as if he'd hung the moon, and then smiled and nodded. Shibazaki snorted.

"That was the least romantic proposal I've ever witnessed."

"You do not strike me as the romantic type." Twelve retorted.

"I have a wife." Shibazaki stated.

"So…anyway." Nine attempted to re-rail the conversation. "How long do we have to choose names for ourselves?"

"A week."

"We can manage with that." He decided. Picking names was the simple bit. Being the people with those names was another issue entirely. But they would manage. They'd somehow managed to get through the past few years or so, after all. And that had been a lot harder.

"Good. " Shibazaki said. "Now, tell me how you're holding up."

And with that, the conversation went back to familiar ground. But all of them were thinking about the implications of a new life.

**…**

That night, they thought over names, looking them up on the internet. There was no particular significance to what they chose-it was simply a case of what they liked. A strange concept for all three of them. But eventually, it was decided. They would become Jin Hirai, Shuuhei Sakaki and Mieko Hirai (nee Sakaki).

The next day, they phoned Shibazaki to let him know, and thereafter practised the names they'd chosen for themselves. Sort of. From time to time both Nine and Twelve would slip.

A week later, two things happened. First, Shibazaki and Hamura came by with their new identity papers, and explained what would happen next. Secondly, Lisa (now Mieko), discovered that their small world of three would soon become a slightly bigger world of four. This actually triggered a third event-her re-entering the world of the speaking, her first words directed at the child who was not yet born.

"I will not fail you. I promise."

**…**

Two weeks later, Shuuhei Sakaki, his sister Mieko and his brother-in-law Jin moved to a small town four hours away from Tokyo, and began a new life. From that moment on, they were different people.

A month later, Jin got a job, as a barista in a coffee shop. He was good at it, too good as it turned out, and sometimes Shuuhei would wonder if he'd end up making a green tea/coke/ Mentos combination just to see the look on the faces of his patrons.

Two months later, the three of them spent a weekend painting and filling the room that was to be the child's. Well, Shuuhei did all the measurements. Jin and Mieko did all the creative stuff. It turned out that Mieko had quite the artistic streak. Who knew?

Five months later, it was summer, and Hamura came to take them to a certain make-shift graveyard in Tokyo. And as the three of them looked at the 24 sticks put up to commemorate 24 lost children, Shuuhei realised something important. Even though their lives had changed, even though they were now Shuuhei, Jin and Mieko in name, in heart they'd always be Nine, Twelve and Lisa. It wasn't a case of one over the other. Both identities were parts of their very soul.

**…**

Sometimes, after Shuuhei'd had a string of particularly bad days where he'd been unable to get out of bed, he found himself envying Jin. In his eyes, he had it so easy. Of course, he knew this wasn't true. Extreme tiredness and an inability to gain weight and insane blood pressure weren't easy. But it was better than migraines and nightmares.

Of course, Jin had something to live for. Mieko, and now little Tsukihime. Right from the beginning, he'd involved his heart in things, even though at the time it should have ended badly. Shuuhei's reason to go on had disappeared long ago, and he'd never had an attachment to anything. So he wasn't sure why he was still around.

_And on that cheery note, perhaps I should try to eat something. _The negative thoughts were ones he needed to let go of, and so he decided to do just that. But, he was hampered from doing so by a small weight leaning on his stomach. Tsukihime. The girl was fast asleep, the cardboard crown Mieko had made for her second birthday a few weeks ago askew on top of her head, a few curly strands of brown hair tangled in it. He turned his head, and noticed a board book face down on the floor. He looked at that book dumbly for a few moments, then turned back to stare at the little girl who had fallen asleep on his stomach. When she was awake, she called him 'Unky' with glee, always trying to drag him out of bed and show him things. Once, when he had been feeling somewhat okay, they'd spent an entire afternoon playing computer games. It had been fun, surprisingly so.

Almost as if she'd read his current thoughts, Tsukihime woke up and sat up, remaining on his stomach.

"Tsukihime, that hurt!"

"Sorry, Unky." She looked around her, presumably for her book, and when she spotted it on the floor, she scrambled down to get it.

"Careful." He said almost automatically as he was finally able to sit up. He could hear Mieko in the kitchen, and wondered if she'd heard that Tsukihime woke up. No doubt she'd let her sleep on him. She thought it was cute, as long as it didn't cause harm. And…it wasn't bad, but it was a strange thing to wake up to, for sure.

"Ree!" Tsukihime declared, holding up the book with both hands. "Unky, Ree."

Shuuhei sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"You're holding the book upside down, Tsukihime." He told her eventually. Tsukihime pouted, and brought the book up close to her face as if that would help.

"Tsukihime, don't disturb your uncle! Come help me over here." Mieko called from the kitchen.

"But I want Unky ree!" Tsukihime protested from behind the book. Shuuhei sighed again, then leaned over and neatly took the book from her.

"It's fine, Mieko." He called back. "I'll read to her."

"You ree? Yay!" Tsukihime climbed back up onto his bed, and settled in the space between him and the wall.

"One of these days, you're going to read to me." He informed her as they started the story. He knew it was a lie, but for some reason, seeing her giggle at that made him want to believe it too.

**…**

They all found themselves worrying as Tsukihime went to nursery, and then eventually school. It was one thing to worry about what would happen to them if they were exposed somehow. It was another thing to wonder what would happen to the little girl who had nothing to do with their pasts if they were exposed somehow. She was just a little kid. She knew nothing of who they had been. For the most part. As she had got older and asked more questions, Jin and Mieko had fallen back on the art of just giving enough of the truth. In any case, the girl seemed intuitive enough to know when not to ask, or at least when to not continue asking.

At times, Shuuhei had to refrain from pointing out that the entire worry had been brought about by Jin and Mieko. Less elegantly: it was their fault. But then, he'd bring to mind the little girl, and he'd feel bad. They hadn't asked to be born either, and their lives-their _old_ lives-had been much worse. And because of that, Jin and Mieko were doing the best they could, trying to atone for sins that were not their own. With their own problems, it was difficult, but they all somehow managed to stumble along. Besides, it's not like he wasn't trouble too, with the way he was so sick. So, he sat down with them and pulled up a whole host of plans on what to do if something went wrong, helped to explain it to Shibazaki and Hamura on the visits that still happened. And then, he spent the occasional evening with Tsukihime, helping her to memorise it when her parents were too busy to do so. Hopefully, nothing would happen to them, but if it did, he wasn't about to sit back and let an innocent get hurt because of it. Too much damage had been done already.

**…**

_They are running, running, with the fire licking at the grass behind them, swallowing ground they had touched just moments before. The fence is in reach, and they grab at it, climbing as quickly as they can, and before they know it, they're near the top. But they're not. One of them is still on the ground, still trying to reach the fence. They need to go back, to help her, but if they do, they'll be caught. The jailers are coming, they can hear them, they need to hurry, they need to…_

"_We're almost there! Come on!We're almost there…Five!"_

"Shuuhei, Shuuhei! _Nine!_ It's just another dream!" Jin's voice, and the usage of his old name, woke him up, and he sat up in bed, drenched in sweat. Jin, who had been sitting by the bed , stood up, tiredness written all over his face.

"It was just a dream, okay?" he repeated again, this time more softly. Shuuhei wiped his forehead and sighed.

"I _know_ that. In any case, it'll be any day now, so why does it matter?" He said irritably. He'd been having the dream, or variations of it for so long he could barely remember when it started. But it was rare for him to have the exact same version of the dream for 5 nights in a row, to the point his terror woke up the house.

"We know you know that." Jin said, choosing to ignore the last sentence. He turned to the doorway.

"Tsukihime, you've got school tomorrow." Sure enough, Tsukihime was standing there, a stuffed panda in her arms and her hair falling out of the plaits Mieko had done earlier.

"Technically, Daddy, I have school later this morning." Tsukihime yawned. Shuuhei found himself inwardly chuckling at that, despite the situation.

"The end result's the same. Go back to sleep." Tsukihime complied, and then Jin moved to leave the room.

"This applies to you too. Go back to sleep." He said before he left. Shuuhei sighed, and just sat for a moment, thinking about everything and nothing. Then, he decided to lie down again, and he fell into a fitful, yet dreamless sleep.

When he woke up again, it was mid-morning. The house was quiet, and so he assumed that nobody was in. He padded to the bathroom and showered, before dumping his nightclothes into the washing basket and finding something clean to wear. Then, he decided to get some breakfast in him. Over the past few days, he'd been skipping meals. It was taking a toll.

To his surprise, Mieko was in the kitchen, sitting at the table, with all manner of Christmas paraphernalia everywhere.

"Don't you have work today?"

"It's Wednesday." She reminded him. "Are you feeling better now?"

He shrugged. Mieko pursed her lips and nodded at that.

"Anyway." He asked, "What are you even doing? It's only November."

Mieko smiled.

"I'm trying to sort things out for Tsukihime, you know, like the Christmas cards she needs to write for her school friends. Otherwise she'll just work herself into a frenzy. She gets more stressed about Christmas than some of the staff at the Library."

"Wow." He can't help but think that ordinary life is really so very extraordinary.

"Are you sure you're OK?" Mieko asked suddenly.

"I…" after a moment's hesitation, he decided to be honest. "I don't know."

"Hmm…well, don't we all have our ghosts?" at this point, they weren't just talking about his nightmare.

"I think mine might destroy me."

Mieko looked like she wanted to scream at him at that, and he regretted his foot-in-mouth approach. But, true to her character, she just waited quietly, and took a few deep breaths.

"Well, they haven't yet, have they?" She told him eventually. Shuuhei considered this. Then he nodded. He went to grab something out of the cupboards, and found two cereal bars. This, combined with a banana from the fruit bowl, would probably keep him going for a while.

They sat in silence, Mieko sifting through cards, Shuuhei eating. It was comfortable, and he found it hard to believe that a long time ago, he had viewed her as a hindrance. But then again, they were different then. Things were different then. Now, they could enjoy each other as themselves, despite the baggage they still had.

"I could go and pick up Tsukihime today." He told her after finishing his cereal bars.

Mieko looked up.

"Why? You never pick her up."

"I took her to school on her first day of First Grade." He pointed out.

"True…"

"Anyway, what you said was right."

"Hmm?"

"My ghosts haven't destroyed me yet." It was true. They still had the potential to, someday, but today he was still alive. He was alive, safe. He had two friends who loved him, and there was a little girl who called him 'Unky' gleefully. He had a reason, a real reason to live.

And he was going to continue to do so for as long as possible.


End file.
